I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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