...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
