When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize