Just fell off a train. Bad.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize