My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
