I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
