did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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