I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize