I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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