I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
