I puked a lego.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
She's the barista slut.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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