The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
