you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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