apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
