Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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