remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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