Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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