Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
