Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
