I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
