My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
