Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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