You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
