My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
