I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
