he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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