Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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