dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
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