I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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