I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
