Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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