Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
