My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
