My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
