I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You took a bar mat shot.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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