apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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