i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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