Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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