He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
