My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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