I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
