I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
