I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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