you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
