I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
