He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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