If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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