his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize