and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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