even my farts smell like vagina
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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