He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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