I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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