everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
