other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
