is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
