You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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