Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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