my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
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