I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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