He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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