you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
