Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize