I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
