Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
