There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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