all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
