Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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